seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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