Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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