I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Less talking, more tequila
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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