we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
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She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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