the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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