6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
