trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
