dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
