Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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