hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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