She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
