the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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