I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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