This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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