there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
