You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i will never coherently bang her
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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