Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
