well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
