i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Randomize
