Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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