my phone needs a breathalizer
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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