yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
