Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
