dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
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There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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