I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
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Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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