What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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