Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
