Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
