I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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