so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
