I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
