We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
