i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
