Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
