Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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