how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
