I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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