eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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