I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
