you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
