Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
