but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
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Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
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Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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