We're facebook friends in real life
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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