Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
