Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
