and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
