Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
It's like God shit irony all over that family
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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