Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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