Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
