nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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