Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
