I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
