i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
