you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
