I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
