JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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