i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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