They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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