nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
