shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
