How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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