Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
